who is george?

let’s discuss.

i made it almost halfway through the episode before having anything of note to say. here are my thoughts, in surprisingly accurate chronological order (the red wine was gross and i was too lazy to reach for the vodka):

1) that pig-nosed ginger girl is entirely too short to be shot next to the other two blair wannabes from an above angle. 

2) blair- that blouse? satin? for daytime? no. just no.

3) WHY DOES NO ONE AT THIS SCHOOL WEAR THE SAME DAMN UNIFORM? serena is in something from the julia allison for fredrick’s of hollywood collection; nelly yuki is channeling ma ingalls in a recession-appropriate black pinafore; blair is in a goddamned skirt suit (she kind of looks like dita*! way to go eric damon!) and jenny is in something that looks like the fetal alcohol baby of braveheart and cher’s bob mackie electrical-tape atrocity from the “if i could turn back time video” (which still haunts my nightmares. i feel deeply sorry for the poor eastern european woman who had the daunting task of depilating cher’s nether regions for that shoot.)

4) also, while on the topic of sartorial splendor- blair seems to be dressing like chuck. sweet ascot. 

5) sounds like serena has been borrowing blair’s writers with that liver tissue comment. 

6) sounds like blair has been borrowing dan’s writers with that sappy “losing chuck” bit. i think i’ll take a page out of the waldorf playbook and go vomit now.

7) hmmm, chuck has large, yet perfectly symmetrical nostrils. i think i have penis envy directed at chuck bass’s face. (that sounded less dirty in my head.) 

8) serena looks like a retarded horse clomping through the background of victrola/the box aimlessly. if there’s one talent a high school girl has, its the ability to sniff out and beeline for anyone they seek within 5 seconds. it could be times square on new years eve at 11:55 and i would still be able to find three ex-boyfriends and the sluts they cheated on me with if necessary. just saying.

9) ok chuck. we get it. you’re really enjoying this self-hurt. it’s cleaner than being a cutter, and way more hardcore than, say, listening to “only one” by yellowcard on repeat in your limo (what? not like you’ve never been there.) but drinking from the bottle is messy. i don’t care about your perfect little bow-shaped mouth: you can almost never, EVER swig from the bottle without dribbling from your chin. especially not while stumbling about on a rooftop in manhattan in january. trust me. i know things.

10) the lack of cyrus in this episode makes me want to punch a baby.

11) the lack of nate in this episode makes me want to take back the irreparable damage i did to the aforementioned baby in article 10.

12) and, finally, this: dan’s phone ring right before he’s about to tell serena the big secret. dan’s totally that guy who keeps his phone on ring just so he can look cool on the off chance that it does ring (even though danny, it was your dad calling). haven’t these crazy kids ever heard of silent? or vibrate? or how about a catchy pussycat dolls ringtone? what the fuck.

*the outfit looks like dita. outfit ONLY. you can’t just turn any ol’ drug dealer’s daughter into the most flawless high-class stripper of all time- sorry leighton. what’s that they say about lipstick on a pig? 

all i want for christmas is…gil bellows.

my dream man, gil bellows.

i believe this photo was taken as a pub shot for ally mcbeal or whatever (who even watched that show!?*) but gil bellows was in his prime in 1997 when he did “snow white: a tale of terror” quite possibly the best, most non-horrifying horror film EVER MADE. it also stars sigourney weaver (frightening woman if you ask me), sam neill (hot dad, but kind of hard to respect a man who spends most of the film in a nightgown), monica keena (slutty girl from dawson’s creek), and david conrad as dr. peter gutenberg. the only reason i mention the latter is because conrad is kind of like a poor man’s eric stoltz…even though eric stoltz is probably a poor man’s someone else, come to think of it. anyway, the fact that they invented a character NAMED “dr. peter gutenberg” (the most fun name to say, ever) makes this movie beyond fantastic. but, i digress.

back to gil. he plays one of the seven dwarves. except in this version, the gang has been re-imagined as a band of ruffians, only of the men is vertically challenged, there are like, only five of them, and at least two of them attempt to sexually molest lilly aka snow white. hmmm…i don’t recall  this being in the original, but gil bellows can feel me up against my will any day. 

so sigourney weaver is the evil stepmother and she tries to kill snow white blah blah blah. dr. peter gutenberg is snow white’s love interest, until she meets gil bellows (duh), and DPG gets serendipitously pushed out of a window (par accident, bien sur!) and they all live happily ever after. well, snowy and gil and snowy’s dad all live happily ever after. the rest of everyone in the entire movie dies. oh well. 

*watch as i get hatemail from every 30-40 year old woman on the eastern seaboard who lived vicariously through that tripe. i guess it was like gossip girl for older people? whatever. 

I NEED. THESE SHOES. FOR SPRING.

they are so great gatsby. and therefore by the transitive property, they are SO me. i know, the first and most pressing issue is that they’re white. aside from the fact that my perpetually drunk ass would probably scuff/spill red wine on these in a second (i’ll switch to vodka!), they’re WHITE. which is kind of…i don’t know…ugly and unflattering? but i’m still so attracted to them. as with all shoe purchases (i’m not much of an impulse buyer when it comes to footwear, seeing as i only have two feet and “layering” was never really a trend that caught on with shoes), i will sleep on it. somebody better hide my laptop and/or wallet in the morning though…

black handbag roundup! 

every girl needs an arsenal of great neutral handbags at her disposal. but “neutral” doesn’t mean the same for everyone. i find that we usually have a proclivity towards either black, brown or nude. my neutral tends to be black, although i am experimenting more with brown these days. here is my roundup for the best black handbags to take you into 2009. 

(clockwise from top center: alexander mcqueen- $2,345. hayden harnett: $245. marc jacobs: $1,295. hayden harnett: $528. forever 21: $15.80. coach: $598.)

i love the look of the sleek and structured look of the mcqueen- there’s something so ladylike about a small framed purse like that, and yet the slightly exaggerated shape and simple hardware makes it more steampunk than priss. 

i’ve been OBSESSING over the HH staci bag for a while now. i have no idea why- it’s really not my typical style. but cross-body strap + studs + framing + HH’s amazing quality = a pretty perfect pouch.

i think i see a theme here with the studs, but marc jacobs manages to make them subtle, not trendy. and it’s marc so…’nuff said.

another hayden harnett beauty. not sure how i feel about the feathers dangling off the side, but the sleek strap in the front reminds me of gryson (without the ouch price-tag) and i love a good chain.

i have to remind myself this pretty much every time i go out, so say it with me: every girl needs a clutch. and not just any clutch, but a STRUCTURED clutch. and here’s why. generally it’s not hot nor practical to lug a huge tote bag out with you to a crowded bar/party/club/trailer park/what have you and smack it into people as you pass. and if you’re like me, you have 9 million things that go into your handbag: phone, ginormous wallet, 3 tubes of lipgloss, gum, keys, bronzer, eyeliner, hand sanitzer, stuffed baby llama, foreign currency and a set of dominoes. the problem i find with all my clutches is that i still try to fit the aforementioned articles into my teeny tiny pouches, only to end up with an awkwardly-shaped (and heavy. and hard to carry.) leather-wrapped mass. so the only solution here is structure: it limits the amount of things you can bring with you AND ensures that you look sleek and effortless for your night out. way to go, forever 21. i know, i’m as shocked as you are.

as pleasantly surprising as finding a decent bag from forever 21 was, i was even more surprised to find something i actually like from coach. but i have to say, this bag is pretty awesome, albeit unoriginal. the knots are very marc from last year, and that sliding leather toggle was probably culled from years of the LV neverfull and various chanel incarnations- but all together i think it works. i think i’ll have to check it out in person to see if the leather is any good (although, coach, while misguided in their inability to curb logo usage, is known for great quality).